Confessions
by hohlagh
Summary: I should have kept my love for him secret. It would have been easier that way… for both of us. I can’t help thinking about him though and I feel like he has to know. Before it’s too late. Remus/Sirius Slash! Complete!
1. Chapter 1

Confessions

By: Hohlagh

Disclaimer: All characters you may recognize belong to J. K. Rowling, Warner Bros., and everyone else who helps make Harry Potter possible.

Summary: I should have kept my love for him secret. It would have been easier that way… for both of us. I can't help thinking about him though and I feel like he has to know. Before it's too late.

Warning: Slash.

I told him to meet me here and only now, moments before he arrives, do I feel nervous. I had planned out the conversation in my head; how it would start… and end. But the words are leaving me like sand going through my fingers. I had mastered too much courage to back out; it is time for the truth.

He comes into the empty classroom I had chosen earlier and he regards me with a curious expression. I can't imagine what he's thinking and I start to stall. I shift my feet and open my mouth; however, he cuts me off before I can talk. "Why here?" He asks.

I shrug and reply, "I think it's a nice place. No one will hear what we say. No one will ever know."

"Go on. Tell me the secret."

His gray eyes look deep into mine, searching, penetrating my soul. He knows – as well as I do – how hard to expose something of myself is. I have been hiding much too long though and I have to tell him before it's too late. For several moments I cannot speak and I clear my throat, trying once again to think of the words before I say them. I was never good at such a thing, especially around him.

"I think I'm in love." I say softly.

He laughs and his orbs light up like they do when he's pulling a prank (or about to). He closes the distance between us and claps a hand on my back a few times. His touch sends shivers down my spine and the feeling is as though a thousand lightning bolt pinpricks run through my blood stream. He moves away, but his presence still lingers in my mind.

"Who is it? Is it-"

"You."

"What?"

I repeat and leave it at that. He increases the space that keeps me from him and I can see his troubled gaze. He wasn't expecting this. I feel ashamed and uncomfortable; perhaps, I should have kept it secret. How stupid of me to think he would love me; after all, we are just friends. Nothing more. I don't even know if we can be that anymore. He could reject me and push me away, but I know – deep down – he would never do that. It is strange, considering his background; he is so different from the rest of his family.

"Love is a strong word." He finally says.

I nod; maybe I should have used like instead, but I know where my feelings are. All I can think about is him and how wonderful it would be if we were something more. Something deeper. I am looking down now, my vision is obscured with unshed tears, and I can't stand to see his face.

"Please… Don't cry. I, uh, I dunno what to say."

I chuckle uneasily. It's the first time he has ever faltered and been speechless. I'm not sure if this is a good thing. I am afraid of the answer, but I ask: "What do you think?"

"I dunno," He replies, "I need to think."

"I understand."

"Don't go beating yourself up over this. We can still be friends if… I'm not going to reject you!"

"I know, Sirius."

Ooo0ooO

It's been a weak and I have avoided him since that night. I don't mean to do it, but I can't stand to think about what he would say if we were alone together. I want to hear my words repeat out of his own mouth, but I am also realistic. I know Sirius Black – better than anyone else probably – and he is a woman wooer. He is always with a different girl every week and thus I think that he cannot give me what I desire: Unconditional love.

I discover it is hard to stay away from him. During meal times, he sends me a glance and tries to catch my eye, but I ignore it. I begin to think that he believes it was something he did that night; however, it is the opposite. I can't let him suppose that because it cuts me inside like a knife slicing through butter. My heart aches whenever I see him and how downtrodden he looks.

Finally, he has found me. It's easy to locate me if you know how to deduct the other obvious options. If I'm not in classes or in the Common Room, I am in the library finishing up homework. My friends never check the Great Hall – even when it's dinner – first; no, they always go straight to my secluded area.

"I've been looking for you." He says as he takes a seat opposite of me.

"I know."

"Why have you eluded me?"

I sigh and reply, "Because… I'm afraid."

He chuckles and I blush, which makes him laugh harder. It is an odd sound, like that of a canine barking. It's fitting because he is an illegal Animagus; a large dog, to be exact. He and the others have done this for me; to ease the pain and loneliness of my transformations. I have to admit that it helps, though I'm not particularly fond of it at the same time.

"What are you afraid of, Remus?" He questions me and I realize that his tone is serious (no pun intended, of course).

"I'm afraid of your reaction."

"You know… I would never reject you. I didn't do it when James and I found out you were a werewolf, did I? And I certainly won't do it now."

I nod, knowing this already.

"Now, about this whole matter of you liking me. I still dunno what to say to you, but I have thought about it." He pauses and continues, "I think I always knew… That you were gay, I mean. It's clear to me… all the little hints you gave without knowing that you gave them."

"Oh? Did I?"

"Yup. I've thought about it… and I'd like to try it."

I raise my brows at this. It definitely was not something I had been expecting; no, I was waiting for the line 'Let's just stay friends.' Sirius wasn't admitting that he was gay, which made me both curious and wary. He said he would try it and that answer wasn't the one I was looking for if he agreed. Was I to be his experiment as he crossed the boundaries to a same sex relationship? I would not allow that! I had been used once and I won't let it happen again!

"Try it?" My voice repeats his words; once again speaking without me telling it to.

"We can be, uh, together… If that's what you want, Remus."

I shake my head. "No."

"No?" Sirius asks, perplexed, "But last week you said you lov- liked me."

"We can't be together. Not when all you're willing to do is try. I need more than that, Sirius. I'm sorry."

It broke my heart to say these things to him, but I have to do it. I need to know how far he is willing to go with me and whether or not I'm another notch in his bedpost. He doesn't move though, not like I expected him to do. He doesn't speak either; he seems lost in his own thoughts, as if thinking about what to say next. I wish I could be with him. I wish those strong arms – from his Beater position on the Quidditch team – would wrap around me and protect me. I wish his lips, which I always imagined soft against my own, would kiss me.

I wish he would do _something_!

Finally, he says, "Remus, I dunno what to do. What do you want me to do?"

"Promise me something." I say quietly, "Promise me you'll always love me. That you'll never cheat on me or lie to me or hurt me. Promise me that you'll be there for me."

"Always… I promise."

He moves swiftly from his chair, around the table, and is suddenly standing next to me. He holds out his hand and he waits for me to take, which I do reluctantly. I still feel unsure about the whole situation, but as he hugs me, my problems seem to ebb away. And I know he was telling the truth. That he will love me. Always.


	2. Chapter 2

**A/N**: First, thanks to all of my friends online who continue to tell me (though few leave a review) that they enjoy my fanfics. Second, to my first reviewer I say: I'm glad you like it so far and I hope you read more of my work! Thanks again! Please at least read it (and send Reviews - enjoyment or hate).

* * *

He has not changed. He still woos the young women at Hogwarts; winking at them and flexing his muscles. He flirts with those that squeal at his very name and it is sickening. But I cannot bring myself to tell him so; instead, I let him rip out my heart and throw it against the wall. I cry at night, stricken by his betrayal of the promise he made. Occasionally, he reassures me, speaking of his reputation at school and what the Black family would do if they knew. 

I was ready for the risks; otherwise, I wouldn't have told Sirius at all. My nightmares have gotten worse. I toss and turn in bed, plagued by the past and my non-existent relationship with a certain prankster. The hour is late and my body begs for sleep, but I don't close my eyes. I sit up and sigh as my gaze wanders; then, I see that James Potter is awake and staring at me. I feel uncomfortable underneath _that_ look.

"Anything wrong, Remus?"

"Just another restless night."

"Don't lie to me!" James snaps harshly, "I hear you cry when you think everyone is asleep."

I sigh, "I'm in love."

"You should be happy then. I remember when I first saw Lily… she was so beautiful that I almost couldn't breathe."

"That's how I feel, but it isn't returned to me."

"Maybe I can talk to her?"

"Him." I amend.

"Him?" James repeats, "I had no idea you swung that way, Remus."

I battle with myself, trying to decide whether or not to tell James the truth; and then, I realize that I don't want to lie to him. After all, he had accepted me as a werewolf and this was no different – he wasn't angry, just shocked. So I reveal it to him and he looks thoughtful for a few moments; an odd expression is in his hazel eyes, which are uncovered. The glasses that he has to wear lay on the nightstand next to a mug of water.

"Well, there's one thing I can say, Remus. You deserve the love and attention of someone who can care for you properly. And that's something Sirius can't do."

I bit into my lip with a sigh and nod. I know. I think I've always known. I've always known that my love would be dashed into a million pieces if it were exposed. I've always known that loving a person such as Sirius would bring me nothing except pain in the end. Yet, I can't help loving him all the same.

"Sleep well." James says and flops back down onto the bed. Within moments, I can hear him snoring peacefully; probably dreaming about a certain redhead.

For me, it is a different story. I lay on the mattress and I stare sightlessly up at the ceiling; his face – full of laughter and cheer – is up there, as if mocking me for loving him. Before I know it, the light gray colors of morning are upon me and I haven't managed to get a wink of rest in. It is not a good thing for me to do, especially when the full moon is so close. I can't transform like this.

With a sigh, I get up and go through my routine. I wash (and shave if I need to) and then get dressed; mostly, this happens while the others are still sleeping. Usually, the Marauders catch me when breakfast is a full thirty minutes or later in. I wish I could do that, but my internal clock betrays me.

My gaze wanders over to Sirius Black's four-poster as I start to fasten the gold-and-yellow-stripped tie about my neck. I can see sweat on his brow and it occurs to me that I might not be the only one who is plagued by the darkness of slumber. I go over to him – my feelings are still there for the other young man, despite all that he's done and all that I know he will do. My heart aches for him to be mine, though I know he can never do that. He can never truly be there for me like how I planned.

As friends, he will stand by my side and fight away my evils. But as lovers… Well, let's just say it's a feeble wish for someone like me. However, my hand reaches out of its own accord and I shift a few locks of his ebony hair away from his handsome face. I take away some of the cold liquid on his forehead as well and he smiles, just slightly. That expression, that _look_, brings pain into me such that I've never experienced before.

"Why do you do this to me, Sirius? Why do you play with me so?" I whisper.

Ooo0ooO

Over time, I've come to accept things as they are. Even when I told him the secret I had been guarding for almost two years, I had been expecting that we would just stay friends. And now, though he has promised me the things that I desire, nothing has changed. It's the full moon and Moony – so near the surface these days – is dying to escape from me. I can feel his anger and outrage about how my relationship with Sirius hasn't… progressed.

I try to stay away from my friends because I'm always irritable around this 'time of month' and later regret what I say to them. Yet, they are attracted to me like moths attracted to a candle flame. James has been acting oddly since I told him the truth; he sends me pitying glances and shakes his head with sympathy. It is actions like these that make me wish I wasn't a Gryffindor or at least not as bound by the rules as I appear to be since it really irks me. I want to wring his neck; slam him into the floor; beat common sense into him.

That is how I feel about Sirius, too.

The day seems to pass quickly and I think, for the first time, I've not paid the least bit of attention in any of my classes; of course, this has occasionally happened before. My eyes are diverted to other more pleasing things than a Professor droning on about Potion-making or Goblin Rebellions. But I realize, as I head toward dinner, that I don't have any notes. Forget about notes, I don't even remember what homework was assigned!

Perhaps, I am infatuated; more so than I knew, I mean. It feels more pronounced than ever; maybe the full moon is having an influence over me. Or should I say Moony? Either way, it's hard and unbearable. A small part of me – the one that the wolf is slowly taking over and growing every minute – wants to drop this charade. If I could only be straightforward and blunt, then I could kiss him and get it over with. My thoughts would be clear and I could go on as though nothing happened; Sirius, too, could return to his old ways, never having to worry about pleasing me.

"How is it tonight, Moony?" Sirius asks.

"The same as always, Padfoot."

"I was thinking," James cuts in suddenly, "that we could explore. Maybe find other secret passages for our little 'project.' What do y'all think?"

I shrug and sigh, "Whatever you want. I don't care."

The project James speaks of is, of course, the Marauder's Map. We're still trying to perfect it, but for several full moons now we have been exploring the castle. I hate it, but I don't say anything because I know – deep down – Moony enjoys it at least and so do my friends. We've found a lot of hidden corridors in the school, including ones that lead out into Hogsmeade, the wizard community not too far away. I really don't worry about someone finding us (even if they did know where the concealed paths were, James and Sirius are large animals that will be able to keep Moony at bay).

However, sometimes, when I look at Headmaster Dumbledore or sense that his eyes are boring right into my soul, I feel like I'm betraying him somehow. After all, I did lead my friends to become illegal Animagi. I always manage to shake my head at the last moment though and laugh at thinking that someone can see inside my head.

I feel a shudder ripple through my thin frame and I look up into the enchanted ceiling of the Great Hall. The colors of the setting sun still play against the few clouds in the sky so I have a bit of time left before I need to retreat to the Shrieking Shack. Peter Pettigrew – who's sitting right beside me – must have felt that shudder because I catch his worried glance and then another more meaningful one at the others.

There's something about Peter that I dislike or it could be Moony that doesn't enjoy his presence; either way, the small lump of a man sends my hairs on end. It causes my skin to quiver and breakout in tiny goose bumps; luckily, the other Marauders don't seem to ever notice this reaction. Sometimes, I'm overcome with the desire to tell them that there's something wrong with Peter, yet I know not how to properly word it or what to base these beliefs on. So I stay silent.

Sirius speaks, interrupting my thoughts, "We should go. Don't want to be late."

His canine-like laughter rings in my ears and, after a few seconds more, the others join with him. I'm glad they find such amusement in my transformations. I almost growl in frustration, but hold it at bay. Every full moon, it's the same. The two stronger ones of our foursome come over to help me up and guide me out. It is as though I've suddenly turned blind; I've tried often to shake them from me, though they always refuse.

Now I simply relent to them. I find my nose close to Sirius – smelling his delicious scents of harsh metals and tropical undertones. He wears the cologne that I had got him for his birthday and it surprises me for a moment. The trip across the grounds is uneventful as was the short walk down the stooping path protected by the Whomping Willow. Dumbledore and the Professor of Herbology (whose name eludes me) planted it when I arrived.

By the time we're in the Shrieking Shack my muscles are screaming and sending spasms through me. Both James and Sirius look worried; Peter, on the other hand, looks out-right frightened. I wonder – before my mind is taken by the darkness and pushed aside – if it is because of what I am or if it is because I turn to Moony.

I wake up in the Hospital Wing, Sirius Black is the only person near me, and his hand is lying on my own. His touch is both pleasant and electrical. It looks as though he has fallen asleep in the chair and I can't remember all of what had happened the night before. Just flashes of events that mingle together, which confuse more than help me.

"Sirius?" I croak.

He stirs in the seat, opens his eyes with a grateful expression residing inside, and asks, "How are you feeling?"

"Tired."

"It was a rough night." He agrees, "I dunno what's gotten into Moony."

I'm almost tempted to tell him, but I stay silent. It is then that I notice his hand is stroking my own in a friendly-type manner. I smile and relax; my bones are still aching and my muscles protest to the slightest movement I make. I suppose it's safe to say this has been one of the worst changes I had ever gone through, minus the first few.

"Sirius, I-"

"Shh. Remus, it's okay. James talked to me."

I raise a brow, "What did he tell you?"

"Several things that I'm too blind to see, apparently." He replies with a bitterness that I've never heard before.

It's as though he's trying to apologize, yet he can't bring himself to say sorry. Instead, I'm shocked and caught off-guard when he leans down, brushing his lips against my forehead. They are soft, just like I imagined them to be.


	3. Chapter 3

Sirius is much more… approachable now. We spend time together, though it is nothing like it should be with two people who are in love, and it makes me wonder if he has the same feelings. After all, he said he wanted to _try_ it. Still, nevertheless, we are closer than we have ever been in the past and he spends more time with me than with the girls who giggle or swoon at his presence.

I don't know if this is a good thing; at least, I don't feel the jealousy wage inside me when I see him wink, flirt, or grin that grin of his at a female student. But, when he's near me, I'm overcome to kiss and hold him; Hell, maybe even snog him. I keep my distance though because I don't want to be hurt by his refusal; his rejection.

James has been giving us a wide berth (as well as Peter) as Sirius and I are talking, wanting to be alone. I chuckle at all the times I've seen James give me a suggestive wink; however, I have no idea what he means by that. Does he mean…? No, surely not! I can't think about that since it causes my shaft to tighten with the idea. Someone calls my name – sounding a far distance away despite being right beside me – and snaps their fingers in front of my face. It is this that brings me back to reality.

"Have you heard anything I've said?"

I apologize to Lily Evans, who I'm suppose to be helping with some homework as she missed the day before due to illness. Unfortunately, my notes are choppy and incomplete and don't suit her needs like they used; on the other hand, I know what assignments have to be done and when they have to be turned in. This makes her less angry for which I am very grateful because the redhead can be quite a force to reckon with when her emotions are running high.

I know that James has been badgering her again (I try to give him hints on how to obtain the heart of his dreams, but does he listen? No.). He asks her out for a date to Hogsmeade on a constant basis and, worse than that, he always tells us about it as if we – the Marauders, that is – are interested in such things. James is an odd man. Betrayed by his arrogance and his egotistical methods, he'll never get a chance to even touch Lily's hand, let alone kiss her.

But I've heard recently that she has actually agreed and I've noticed how James has changed, just slightly. He no longer talks of the Quidditch matches around her and hardly ever retells the actions as though everyone was blind or if no one had been there. During the nights, however, he is very much the same. He grins like a madman as he goes into long-winded discussions of Lily Evans. Obsession is a fickle thing and I guess I'm a victim of it as well.

Because, like James Potter, I am unable to banish a certain person from my mind: Sirius Black. His face is in my dreams – some of which have turned rather pleasant, others are just as horrible as the ones I used to be tormented by. His voice is in my head, speaking sweet nothings that I know he'll never say. This torture is almost as bad as the kind that ripped out my heart and threw it against the wall when he was flirting, worrying about his reputation in school. It's hard, considering my soul wasn't even whole to start with. It has been broken before and never mended.

"…And now I wave my wand like this," Lily was saying, "but I can't get it to work! Why won't it work?"

I sigh and reply, "You're pronouncing it wrong."

"That's impossible! I've done all the research and I even asked Professor Flint if I was right and he said that I was! How can I be pronouncing it wrong? This is a stupid charm! Why do we need to learn it, anyway?"

"I dunno… I don't see much use of it myself either."

"Thank you, Remus! Finally, _someone_ agrees with me!"

My mind manages to wander as Lily continues to rant about the spell work she has to perfect before next week. I don't see the problem because she can perform the charm and get it to do what it's meant to do. I guess she wants to make sure no one will be able to spot any flaws in it and that is how she can soar above me in grades. The only class I could be better at than her is Defense Against the Dark Arts, which is my favorite subject; if only I weren't a werewolf, then I would teach it.

Maybe it's because I'm a werewolf that I enjoy learning about Dark Creatures and defensive counter-jinxes; however, a small part of me wishes that I could study the other aspect of the Dark Arts. The kind that the ever-growing Voldemort uses, but there aren't any books about those. Some volumes only speak briefly about the Unforgivable Curses; always hitting on what damage each one can do.

Er… not that I want to join Voldemort or anything, though the best way of fighting an enemy is to know how they tick and what they can do.

"Okay… let's see… what about Potions? Do we have any homework in there?" Lily asks, once again interrupting me.

"Of course, although Professor Slughorn told me to tell you that you didn't have to do it." I pause because she's squealing with joy and then continue, "He wants you to come to his next Slug Club Party. I think it's a few days before Christmas."

"Don't call it that, Remus. You should go, and then you would realize that it's not so bad. I've meet a few interesting people at his parties."

"I'd rather not. I only take Advanced Potions because I want a good education."

Lily shrugs, "Suit yourself. And I'll go. I would have gone otherwise. I should tell the Professor right away! See ya, Remus!"

Ooo0ooO

In the Common Room, I almost sit on someone's cat, but it luckily alerts me of its presence by hissing and spitting at me. It had been napping, now its back is arched oddly and its cream-colored fur is standing up on end. I have never liked felines since most of them have this reaction to me and it makes me wonder if they can sense Moony. A werewolf is larger and more powerful than the average dog cats fear.

Frowning, I watch as the cat streaks away into the Girl's Dormitory and I shake my head with a small sigh. I plop down in the once occupied chair and find it to be comfortably warm from the cat's body. Hogwarts is cold during the winter; the winds that bring snow bite through the castle as if it was made of shear fabric instead of rock. The bitter chill finds a way past every nook a cranny, forcing me to dress warmly. Many of my clothes, however, are patched and frayed and not nearly suitable enough for such weather.

The fire is crackling merrily and I can hear the songs of Christmastime echo from the corridors of school. As if waiting for me, there is a cup of hot chocolate – with a small marshmallow floating at the top – on the end table nearby. I'm not sure if it was someone else's, but I suddenly don't care; I take it into my hands, which are numb from winter's frost (I don't have any gloves to protect them), and sip at it eagerly. The taste is delicious and the hot drink burns my tongue.

I take a few more measured gulps of the hot liquid, and then return it to where it had been; only now it is half-empty. Squirming down into the warm seat and wrapping the extra cloak around myself, I take a book from one of the overlarge pockets. Both James and Sirius agree that I spend too much of my time reading; perhaps, they are right. I'm not like them; I don't pull pranks or take pleasure in humiliating others for the 'fun of it.'

Hell, I've been made a Prefect! I'm supposed to be watching over them, expressing to them a certain amount of control, and punishing them for their tricks! However, when it comes to my friends, I grow lenient. Their jokes – the ones that will later be cataloged in _Hogwarts: A History_ – would be nowhere without my brain. I give their ideas more thought and form and, in a way, I'm almost as bad as they are. I shouldn't be wearing this badge.

Though, that's not the reason why I think they're right about me reading too much. As time has gone on, I find it increasingly difficult to focus on the small words; occasionally, they swim in front of my eyes and I can't make sense of them. I need reading glasses, but that would be admitting my defeat. James and Sirius would gloat; they would take pride in knowing that they had been right. And, frankly, they don't really need any more encouragement.

Luckily, during the breaks, I usually only have to deal with one (or none) of the Marauders. As usual, James Potter is off vacationing with his family and Peter Pettigrew… Well, I have no idea where Peter goes, actually. He doesn't tell us his stories of summer, Christmas, or even Easter; this makes me all the more wary of him. Sirius, though, always stays. He doesn't want to be a burden on the Potter family and he hates his own; in fact, I believe he once told me that he finally got disowned.

Alone… with Sirius… is a scary thought; yet pleasant at the same time.

My nose is buried close to the pages of the book that I'm trying to read, but either I can't concentrate or my eyesight is really horrible on this day. I sigh with one of those big sighs, the kind that anyone can tell I'm giving up on the feeble attempt of striving to finish my story. Maybe it's for the best because, at that very moment, the young man I'm thinking of enters through the Fat Lady's portrait with a flourish.

Sirius constantly acts as if he owns whatever room he enters – it doesn't even matter who's already in there, but I'm used to it. He throws a charming smile at me and dumps himself onto the couch, flinging some snow onto the floor. I recognize that grin for it's the same one he uses to woo the women into his arms and it melts me just as it does to them. I look over at him with a smirk and raise a curious brow.

"Have you been having fun?" I ask, "Without me?"

"Oh yes! Great fun! There's a war, Remus! It's brutal. I think we won today's battle, but the Slytherins are planning something… I can _feel_ it."

"I'm sorry I wasn't there to see it."

Sirius nods and grimaces with a dramatic air, "You should have seen it, Remus. I knocked a good snowball right into old Snivellus's face!" He chortles.

"Of course," He continues in a stage whisper, "I don't think he was really playing either. I made him join, though!"

I actually laugh and shake my head at Sirius in disbelief. Trying to imagine Snape's face after being hit by a snowball (I picture it coming from the back in my mind) is an amusing vision, to say the least. Snape and the prankster have had a long history of fights; I don't know why the Marauders pick more on this particular Slytherin than anyone else. 'It's more of the fact that he exists.' James's voice rings in my memory.

The Marauders shouldn't prank for that reason alone, but what can I say? What can I do? Detentions don't seem to bother them and taking away House points would be pointless since I'm in the same one.

"Maybe I'll join next time." I reply.

"Ooh!"

"Of course, I'll need a good pair of gloves. You remember what happened to the last pair…"

"That wasn't **my** fault!" Sirius cries, "Besides, they were already well-worn and tattered. You needed another set anyway."

"You should get me some for Christmas, then."

He grins and wiggles his eyebrows (which I've always found interesting because I've never met another person who can do that). "I've already gotten you something that I think you'll like much better. We can, however, nip down to Hogsmeade and grab some. I'll pay. Free of charge."

The offer sounds very tempting. I would like to go out in the snow – which is my favorite kind of weather despite the cold it brings – to fight in the brutal battle Sirius has undoubtedly started. James had left his Invisibility Cloak behind and I'm not sure if this has been done on purpose or by accident. Either way, we could use it and get to the community with no problem.

I smile and say, "All right, you've convinced me."

"Wow!" Sirius starts in what I can only assume is shock. "That was easy."


	4. Chapter 4

**A/N**: Sorry for the delay (though this is still posted in a day!). Thanks to everyone who has reviewed so far! It really means a lot! However, I can't waste my time or space answering any questions or acknowledging each person. So if you would like to ask me something about the fanfic, send an Email to me. (I think it's in my profile) Thanks again! Much love! Kisses!

* * *

Hogsmeade, in the winter, looks as though it belongs on a Christmas greeting card. The little shop signs have a thin layer of snow on top of them and so do the roofs of the buildings themselves. There are carolers singing 'God Rest Ye Merry Hippogriffs' (Sirius joins in enthusiastically, it being his favorite) around each corner. And the stained-glass windows of the Three Broomsticks send shards of color across the cobble-stoned path. This is, perhaps, why I enjoy wintertime despite the chill because it's such a beautiful season and everyone is caught up in the spirit of the Holiday. 

We took the easiest route to get to the community, the One-Eyed Witch passageway, and now we have to push our way through the other witches and wizards who are doing their shopping. Sirius and I keep close, or at least try to in such a hectic time as this one; after all, Christmas is only two days away. We pass the small pub – I hope we go in after I get some gloves because my insides are just as cold as my outsides. I look over and up at Sirius (him being slightly taller than me) and I see he is grinning with an odd boyish tint in his gray eyes.

He loves Christmas just like I do, but I think it must be his most favorite Holiday since he always plans so extravagantly for it, even if he is staying at Hogwarts. I wonder what his house – once he owns one – will look like when December rolls around. Chuckling, I imagine him getting stuck in a long line of twinkling wire-lights as Padfoot. I almost can't wait for him to escape the boundaries of school like he has done with his family.

We enter a small Odds and Ends store, the kind that sells everything, including gloves, to the customers. It's not as crowded or as busy as the other places we've passed, but I can tell the Shopkeeper isn't used to this many people all the same. Sirius walks over to two great bins of gloves and mittens and I look at the price apprehensively. '5 Galleons per pair,' the sign reads. He takes out a strange puce-colored set and I make a face at him.

"Umm… no."

"Well, you pick out one then!" He barks at me. Literally, I mean. He actually _barks_ at me.

I bite into my lip, "5 Galleons…"

"Oh no! No! It's my money! I can do whatever I want with it. You should have a good pair of gloves."

I chuckle and shake my head, wondering how long they will last considering what Sirius did to the last ones. I go over to the bins, however, and start riffling through them, searching for my favorite color (or at least a pair that doesn't look like someone barfed all over them).

"While you're at it," Sirius continues, "you should really get two. Just in case."

He wanders off to other parts of the shop while I continue my hunt; finally, I come across a nice black set that feels warm against my bare hands and I hold them in one hand while the other digs more. I'm determined to find my favorite color. Most of the gloves and mittens range in the cool spectrum of the rainbow; blues, purples, grays, and blacks. Where are all the bright colors, damn it?

At last, I bring up a pair of dandelion-yellow mittens, though it's not my favorite shade of yellow; at least, it's bright and happy. I walk over to Sirius, who's looking through a bunch of quills with a plume of feathers on top, and tap him on the shoulder. Turning around, he grins at me, noticing that I have an extra set… just in case. The two of us walk up to the counter and, as he said he would, the prankster foots the bill.

We manage to wriggle our way out of the Odds and Ends shop, but the streets of Hogsmeade aren't much different. I speak after a moment's silence, "Thanks, Sirius… I can pay you back."

He shakes his head, "No. You fighting in the war tomorrow is enough for me."

The clouds, which have seemed to plow in overnight, sprinkle snow from the heavens and onto the ground. It gets stuck in my friend's raven black hair and I almost brush it out for him, but luckily restrain myself from doing so. At first, it's just flurries, and then the flakes fall down bigger and faster. We duck into the Three Broomsticks and Sirius shakes himself off like a dog, spraying the Shrunken Heads hanging near the door. 'How rude!' One of them says.

The small pub is overcrowded; in fact, it seems as if it has been magically enlarged for the Holiday season (which could have happened, for all I know). Outside, the snow is whirling around, caught in one of those weird wind things. I think the Muggles call them dust devils or some such nonsense name. Sirius orders the drink – two Butterbeers – and I sip at mine in contempt.

The warm liquid is pleasant and it fills me up with that warmth, making me not so shivery and cold. It takes a while for the snowstorm to calm down and that's when we finally go back into Honeydukes so we can return to Hogwarts. I don't know what to feel, grateful or ashamed by the fact that my friend paid for both Butterbeers as well. Sirius, on the other hand, waves off my thanks and tells me; very firmly I might add, not to pay him back.

We walk through the corridors together and stop as a voice starts laughing. I can feel Sirius – though I'm not touching him in any way – tense beside me. And, from the darkness, emerges Snivellus; I-I mean… Snape. His dark onyx orbs are lit with humor and I raise a curious brow.

Snape sneers, "Look what we got here… Lupin and Black… under the mistletoe."

Sirius and I look up at the same exact time. Sirius looks over at me and I feel butterflies rise up to flutter around my stomach. Oh, I have waited for this moment too long; however, it isn't quite as I envisioned it in my head. Any kiss from Sirius, though, is a kiss I'm willing to take. Forced or not.

His eyebrows wiggle in that odd way and he gives a devilish grin as he tilts his head down slightly. Snape is practically shaking with suppressed laughter and I feel like I might melt right into my friend. Sirius puts a hand under my chin, making my eyes meet his, and I swallow the flying insects that are trying to escape from my gut. His lips push down onto my own; they really are quite soft and delicious.

He pulls away from me and I feel strangely lost without his presence so close to mine. Snape is cackling madly and I wonder if he has gone into some kind of fit; blushing, I push Sirius farther, enough so that I can escape, and run down the hall as fast as I can go. I hear the prankster yell out my name a few times ("Remus! Remus!"), but I neither stop nor turn back. I don't want to think about it anymore.

Ooo0ooO

"I bet you liked that kiss, didn't you?" Sirius asks, winking.

The two of us are making a slow way toward the Entrance Hall so that we can go out into the snow and finish the brutal battle. I am bundled up tightly and my new gloves (the black ones since they felt warmer when I tried them on) feel nice. Of course, no one can see them because my hands are buried into the overlarge pockets of that old extra cloak I wear during winter. Sirius has offered to replace – more than once – but I refuse it every time; this cloak is something else besides a piece of garment keeping me from getting ill.

This cloak once belonged to my father, who has passed away. And I hold onto it for that reason alone.

"I did," I nod, "but that should've been obvious, considering I like you, too, Sirius."

"Why did you run away like that, then?"

"Snape."

Sirius sighs, a bitter frown passing across his face, though it clears up quickly when we reach the doors that lead outside. I regret to admit that, despite the forced kiss we shared underneath the mistletoe yesterday, the prankster still regards our relationship as a friendship rather than anything more. I know I said that I could forget about this crazy notion of mine if he just kissed me, but it's proving difficult. My feelings for him have grown, if anything.

He opens the doors and we step onto the grounds, immediately running for cover as great snowballs pelt us. Sirius jumps over the large snow wall he has created for the Gryffindor fort; I, on the other hand, am much more careful than that. I simply walk to the back and crawl (the opening is not big enough for me to step through) in. Other Gryffindors are there, including Lily Evans! Her presence surprises me so much that I manage to get hit right in the head by another snowball.

I can feel the icy cold snow dribble from my head and down my neck, but I don't have time to squirm because Sirius forces me to the ground. He's laughing, which makes me chuckle and then all the other Gryffindors are joining in.

The war was long and brutal, but we won. We won! Sirius had thrown most of the well-aimed snowballs at crucial Slytherins who could make two or three at once. Lily and I were the brains of the operation; occasionally, I had to build up a flank of the fort too. It was the most fun I ever had and, despite the fact that I'm still shivering from being outside for four hours straight, I wouldn't mind fighting in the next battle.

In the Great Hall there is a large feast since it's Christmas Eve and, since so many students go home for the Holidays, the House tables were pushed aside and everyone sat at one. The Slytherins tried not to mingle with the Gryffindors, but that proves impossible since Lily has to sit beside Snape. Luckily, Sirius and I manage to squeeze in between the Divination and Astrology Professors (who are both talking about the position of the stars so loudly that it doesn't matter what we whisper to each other).

The feast is lovely. The food is hot and delicious and I eat as much of it as I can. It's strange because I only consume a piece of toast with jelly for breakfast, skip lunch – because I'm busy in the library – and have about a one-course meal for dinner. Occasionally, I catch Sirius sending me odd glances and I can only grin at him meekly.

Finally, when I feel like my belly is about to burst with roast pheasant and boiled potatoes, Dumbledore gives us permission to leave (I guess we could have always left; in fact, Sirius tried several times, but I'm more courteous and held him back). We travel in silent contempt, the kind two friends share, up to the Gryffindor Tower where I give the password to the Fat Lady and she grants us entrance. The Common Room – like the Great Hall – is decorated with flashing lights and garlands. The smell of Christmastime is in the air.

Tomorrow both Sirius and I will wake up early in the morn, run down from the Boy's Dormitory to the tree that's standing in the middle of the floor, and open up the presents that are already there. I watch as the prankster kneels down and takes two from the hearth; the tags addressed to him and I.

This is our custom every Christmas Eve, to open one single box (I'm not sure how Sirius can do that) and see what is inside. Mine is from James and so is Sirius' – I pull at the wrapping paper cautiously. Knowing the Marauders, this thing could be pranked, though I doubt it; finally, mustering up enough courage, I rip out a hat with earflaps. It is gray and slightly fuzzy, at which Sirius starts laughing.

"Now you can look like Moony when you're not a wolf, Remus."

"Ha ha," I chuckle dryly, "how amusing."

James is always the one that sends gag-gifts. I have no idea why he does this since he vacations during Christmastime and therefore can't see the expressions that had probably passed over my face. Sirius opens up his present and now it is my turn to laugh because James has sent him a leash and a collar. A flea collar!

He winks and says, "Now you don't have to worry about me running away on you."


	5. Chapter 5

I lay down on the mattress, but I can't close my eyes because I'm too nervous and excited about the morn to come. The Boy's Dormitory is more quiet than usual since those who snore (like James) are vacationing with their families. It takes several moments for my brain to finally stop working and, just when I'm about to drift off into slumber, I hear the floorboards near my four-poster creak. None of the boys in this room have any pets that need to catch the ground; however, half of them do have owls, including me.

So my ears strain to hear the noise again – it is too dark for me to see. All the candles have been blown out and tonight is the new moon, which sheds no light through the windows. My vision becomes accustomed to the fact that the room is dark and its times like these that I'm glad I happen to be a werewolf. My senses seem to heighten every year, but my ears and eyes are the most effective and noticeable changes.

Sirius is sleeping so I immediately rule him out. After several moments of staying intently still, I realize that it must have been nothing. I submerge into dreamland, half my body waiting to spring up as soon as the sun rises.

I see Sirius get out of bed and I watch as he walks toward me not so silently because he steps on a book, which yelps at being mistreated in such a way. This is why I love Hogwarts – just when you think it can't get any stranger or more bizarre, it surprises you. I feel the prankster beside me, yet I know that it's not morning because the curtains would be casting a red glow over the area. They're not. So I wonder why he is doing this and then, I don't really care about the reasons.

He nears me and I can feel his hot breath against my ear. He licks me with a long slobbery tongue and I make a face and I would have made a sound too if, at that moment, he had not clapped a hand over my mouth. He grins that grin of his at me; the kind that causes my knees to grow weak. Luckily, I'm not standing. His face slides close to my own and the butterflies in my stomach squirm around.

"Remus," He speaks quietly, "scoot over."

"What for?" I ask.

I catch his gray orbs twinkle with a mischievous glint as he rolls them, but he doesn't answer me. He simply pokes me in the ribs and I do as he says. I feel his strong muscular body depress my bed even farther and I worry, for a moment, that it might not hold us. He snuggles up against me and I shiver at being this close to him. I have to stem my desire to wrap my arms around him.

I'm curious though because this is the first time that he has ever shown me such feelings; the first time that our relationship _might_ be something more than just friends. I raise my brows at Sirius, another question forming on my lips, but he presses a finger onto them and shakes his head. The two of us are silent for what feels like a lifetime.

Finally, he says, "I had a nightmare."

I tilt my head and look at him oddly. I have seen Sirius have them before – that moment, when I brushed his ebony locks away from his eyes – comes back to me now. On the other hand, it's been a while since I've had one of my own… or at least the ones that I used to have. The past no longer haunts me because I know I can't change it; I am a werewolf and I've come to accept that. But now the dreams, most of which Sirius stars in, are either about things I dare not tell or so horrible that I cringe.

Suddenly, my heart sinks. This is why he's sharing my bed tonight. Not because he has more than friendly feelings for me, but because he has had a nightmare. I get the sensation that I might break or cry right there with him beside me, but I quell this desire. He closes his eyes and his breath slows; the sound of his steady-beating pulse lures me back to sleep.

I wake up. Had that been a dream? Biting into my lip, almost afraid of what I may see, I open my amber gaze. It wasn't. Sirius is still beside me, slumbering deeply. This time, the curtains are casting a red glow across the room and that can only mean one thing: It's finally morning. I don't want to move though; I want to savor this moment even if he's only there because of a nightmare.

I feel like I'm about to cry… I am crying. Sniffling, I quickly try to wipe the tears away from my face. If he gets up, I wouldn't know what to say to him; I wouldn't know how to explain. However, I suppose that he might know; after all, I had told him that I liked him and the fact that we haven't progressed any hurts me. This pain in me is worse than all the transformations I've ever been through added together.

My shoulders are shaking with the silent sobs and, trying not to wake Sirius, I slide out of my bed. As I look at him, I feel a brief smile touching my face despite the tears that are still rolling down it. How can he do this to me? Sighing, I walk into the bathroom and turn on the tap for two reasons; the first is to mask this sadness coming off of me and the second is so that I can wash once I'm finished. I'm angry with myself. I shouldn't be feeling this way, especially around one of my best friends.

"It's useless." I say to my reflection firmly. "He'll never change."

Yet, no matter how many times I tell myself this, it always fails. Everyday, my feelings for him grow even when I feel like he's trying to push me away. I can't rid Sirius from my mind despite the fact that it hurts me to think about him as such. Shaking my head, I sigh and cover my face with my hands. Why does he do this to me? He must know how much I'm suffering from his reaction.

Ooo0ooO

I sit in the Common Room, my fingers are jittering with impatience, but I wait for Sirius before opening up my presents. Finally, he comes down, a grin planted on his face, and he jumps the rest of the stairs. My eyes are drawn to his half-naked form; he's only wearing the bottom part of his pajamas, which was something I didn't notice when he snuck into my four-poster last night.

"Hey, Remus! You should have woke me up, mate."

He is cheery; so cheery that it makes me sick inside. He kneels down next to the lavishly decorated tree with its singing ornaments and starts picking out the boxes that are labeled with his name on the tag. I haven't moved and I feel as though I've been paralyzed. I was so excited and nervous about today before I went to sleep, but now I want it to disappear. I wish I could melt into this chair.

"Remus? Hello, Christmas! Presents!" Sirius waves one at me.

I speak, trying desperately to keep my voice normal and level, "Why don't you open up yours first, Sirius?"

He grins that historical grin of his. It still makes me quiver in the knees and causes the bugs to flutter more around in my gut; however, at the same time, I want to strike it off of his face. I can't remember what I had gotten him for the Holiday – if anything. He shows me each object that had been hidden underneath the wrapper paper and shoved miraculously into a box, but I don't see them. I can't identify them.

Whenever he turns around to grab another one, I feel the tears coming back to prick my vision. Through years of knowing him, Sirius always saves mine for last and he finally comes across it (so I had gotten him something, after all). He peels the paper off the box more carefully this time, trying not to rip it, and I can't help watching him. This time, I can tell what it is and I remember buying it at Diagon Alley months ago when school was first starting.

A journal. It's not much, but none of the Marauders really expect me to get them anything good because my finical status is poor at best. His face lights up and he seems even more boyish than usual. Suddenly, he swoops me up in a hug that I fear might break something in my thin body.

Sirius says, "I'm going to use this… I used to have one, you know."

I didn't know this so I only smile and nod, barely managing to stutter out a 'you're welcome, Padfoot.' He lets me go and a part of me wishes he had stayed there longer, with his arms clinging to me. But it is a feeble wish because I've realized now that he will be nothing to me except a friend.

"Remus…? What's wrong?"

"Nothing." I lie and turn away from him.

"Hey," He laughs as he pokes me, "no getting depressed now. It's your turn. Open up mine first!"

Sighing, I walk over to the tree and pick up the one that's from Sirius, almost stumbling with the weight of it. I wonder what the Hell my friend has gotten me this year so I open it; my body feeling both joyous and frightened. Knowing him, it could be anything; however, James is the one who sends gag-gifts not Sirius. This thought brings me relief and I finally unwrap a huge book.

It wasn't even in a box – it was just hidden by metallic paper. '_The Collective Works of William Shakespeare_,' reads the title. Smiling, I turn the pages to my favorite play that Shakespeare wrote: _Hamlet_. I look up at Sirius, who's grinning like a maniac, and I have no idea how to properly thank him. Being half-Muggle, I've read most of Shakespeare's work, though many of his plays and sonnets and ballads are all in separate volumes that are peeling at the edges.

"Thanks, Sirius." I say.

"No problem. And guess what… I got you something else."

I feel slightly uncomfortable at this news. Sirius has bought me a book – a very expensive one – and two pairs of gloves for my bear hands. I wonder how much money he's already spent on me; money that I know I will never be able to pay back. Then again, I know that his Uncle (who has passed away recently) left him a large fortune. Still, I'm not used to such attention.

"Okay. What is it?"

I begin looking for another present that's from Sirius and he starts laughing; that strange sound that makes me think his Animagus has bonded with him. He manages to say, "It's not under the tree." Then he corrects himself, "Or it could be… depends where you want it, I guess."

"What is it?" I ask again.

"If I told you it wouldn't be a surprise."

This unnerves me even more. I dislike surprises, especially ones that I know are coming from the Marauders; however, I also know that they would never trick or humiliate me like they do with the Slytherins. Ignoring my other presents, I stand up with a curious brow raised. The prankster takes a step near me, his gray eyes glinting from the flickering fire in the grate.

Suddenly, I know what he wants to give me. Part of me thinks, '_Please, let it be what I think it is_,' while the other part thinks, '_Don't let it be that. I can't handle it if it is._' Sirius is close; so close that I can almost feel him against me even though he's not touching me. His thumb forces me to raise my head and my gaze meets him. I can see his orbs dart uncertainly and, despite everything that he has done to me, I nod just slightly.

It gives him silent permission and his lips press against mine. It feels different now that we're not under the mistletoe; it doesn't seem as mandatory as it was then. The touch is soft and gentle and delicious; I don't want it to stop. I wish we could stand like this for hours on end, but he pulls away and smiles.

"Sirius… I…"

He cuts me off, "Remus, I don't want to hurt you anymore. Please, tell me what you want."

It almost sounds as though he knows that I was crying earlier, but I clearly remember him being asleep. My brain is reeling as I try to decide what to say to him; however, the truth is, I have no idea what I want anymore. Half of me wants us to be together like this; the other half – the one that wanted to strike that grin from my friend's face – doesn't want anything to do with it. So I shake my head and shrug helplessly.

"What do you _want_?" I ask.

"I want you to be happy."

"I dunno if we can be together…" I say softly, "I really don't, Sirius."

He sighs, "I'm willing to try it."

That word again. Try. Pushing him farther away from me, though it breaks my heart even more, I finally snap. I slap Sirius right across the face and I see his stunned expression through my tears. I can't… I can't… I run away from him and I don't hear any shouts that he might make. I exit the Common Room and race blindly through the halls, trying to get away from him.

But I can't.


	6. Chapter 6

**A/N**: Sorry for the delay, but doing anything on the weekends is near impossible for me.

* * *

I've been avoiding him again. 

Staying away from Sirius Black, especially after he kissed me like that, is the hardest thing I have ever done. However, I have somehow managed it over the last few weeks and, though we see each other (it's difficult not to), we don't say anything. Classes have started once more and at least they distract me from thinking about him; there are so many assignments to complete and tests to study for. The N.E.W.T.s are a whole year away, yet the teachers act as if they're right around the corner.

I don't know how I would explain my reaction to my friend. He doesn't understand. I get the sense that he believes I'm just another one of the girls that wants him one night and one night alone. After that, I can tell he _needs_ us to go back to being best mates and nothing more… nothing deeper. So I wonder why I bother loving him. I wonder why I can't shake him from my mind or why he haunts my dreams. I know it is useless. I know that his promise is an empty one, as James had tried to tell me.

Yet, I can't stop seeing Sirius like I do.

How can something that feels so right be wrong? That's what I ask myself and that's why I continue to pursue him, though give him distance at the same time. I know it hurts me and I think Sirius has figured that out too, but it's something I can't help. This is who I am and changing doesn't seem to be an option. I've tried to date, but never got farther than a sloppy half-hearted kiss. With him, it's different even though we've barely reached that point. I can just sense it.

Maybe, it's because I'm a werewolf. Whatever the reason, I'm unable to control these emotions – just like Moony. They take over, as he does, and direct me to a fork in the road. I could take the easy one; oh, I could forget about Sirius and still have a friendship with him. There could be nothing missing from that and I would be happy because I'm very thankful to the Marauders. They've helped me in times when no one else has and they embraced me when they found out what I was.

But, things aren't always so easy. I chose the path that had lots of roots to trip me. I chose the one with the barbs and branches that can tear at my flesh and make it bleed. I knew it would be more challenging and yet I still walked down it. I'm not about to turn back now. So despite the fact that these feelings of mine rip at my body and soul, I carry them all the same. They are a burden – just like Moony.

I spend most of my time in the Library (where Sirius doesn't go too often, unless he's looking for me) or out on the grounds in the bitter cold of winter. I wake up before all my friends and eat breakfast in the Great Hall while they are still sleeping. I skip lunch and sneak out late to the Kitchens for dinner. This is how I've managed to avoid him for so long.

I realize that I'm breaking some rules that Hogwarts has, but luckily I'm a Prefect. In my mind, I come up with the excuse that I'm 'patrolling' the halls and looking for students out of bed, though I doubt I would do anything to them. I'm lenient, even when it doesn't concern the Marauders or people that I know. However, Sirius and I share the same Dormitory room and I have to look at his figure. Sometimes it is peaceful; other times, I can see him twist and turn in torment.

And I wonder if he is having a nightmare; I wonder if it involves me. Finally, I can't stand it and I decide to write him a letter, which seems rather silly considering we are so close. This is the only way that I can tell him my feelings though because I falter over my words; making a note of them in ink is a lot easier for me. It takes me hours to write it – I scratched out a lot of things – and then I copied it to a new piece of parchment.

For something small and trivial like this, it's hard to believe that it had taken me that long. Even on parchment, finding the words for my explanation was difficult. Just as I'm about to seal it up and leave it on the night table beside Sirius's four-poster, I quickly scribbled a P.S. to tell him to meet me in that empty classroom again.

I want to apologize to him in person no matter what he thinks of this note. I feel wrong for slapping him and I had cried (though I can't be sure if it was because of that or because of what he said). He needs to do more than just try; otherwise, I can never truly be with him like how I planned. Werewolves – like real wolves – are picky creatures; they choose a mate for life, not for a one-night stand.

However, I suppose that Sirius could do what the Icy Seducer from Slytherin did. Only when I have sex with someone does the bond come into complete play. I don't know what I would do if Sirius decided to… rape me.

It would kill me. Not literally, of course. Inside. I would be broken into a thousand more pieces, never hoping to be put back together again. I've decided that emotional suffering, such as this one, is worse than the painful transformations I have to go through. I can heal after I change into Moony without much help. I only go to the Hospital Wing because the Marauders are worried about me and at least I can get permission to miss a few subjects.

Emotional damage is harder. You can't just slap a band-aid over it and say that it's better; it needs time and the right consoling to forget the incident. I had never gotten any when Evan Rosier raped me. I never even told anyone – not even the Marauders. Perhaps, that's why it is so awkward.

Sighing, pushing these thoughts from my head, I lay the note down on the nightstand next to where Sirius is sleeping. I can see his eyes darting underneath the lids and, once again, I wonder what he dreams about. In a few hours, I can't believe that the morn will come and I will be waking up to avoid him… waking up to hide from him. I will see him again though to tell him that I'm sorry.

I don't know what will happen after that. I'm not sure what his reaction will be once he reads that letter, but our meeting this evening will make or break everything. The relationship I so desperately want could come crashing down around me… or actually happen. I hope for the best, of course, but I'm also optimistic.

I know Sirius Black. I know him better than the rest of the Marauders. I know him better than anyone.

Ooo0ooO

This empty classroom is the same one I had told him that I liked – maybe even loved – him. He was shocked, to say the least. And now, I'm back again, waiting for him to arrive once more. I grow nervous, as I did then, and shift my feet while biting into the bottom portion of my lip. I begin to pace, not realizing that I'm doing so because I'm worried; Sirius Black is late. I'm not sure if I should take this to mean something, but I'll stay in this room until I know for certain.

A slight clearing of a throat interrupts my train of thought and I stop moving to look at the figure standing in the doorframe. He has arrived. It looks as though he is surrounded by a white light and it makes him all the more charming and handsome. His gray orbs have a curious, yet strangely mischievous glint in them and I cock a brow as I notice this.

"Well… you've been avoiding me, again." Sirius says.

"I know. I'm sorry… I didn't mean to slap you…"

"It's fine," He smiles, "I think I deserved it."

That shocks me. I don't know what he's talking about, but half of me agrees with him at the same time. He did have it coming, though I felt odd since I was the one doing it; I have never snapped like that before with my friends (unless it's the full moon). He has moved closer to me; however, it's still a friendly distance away. I sense the butterflies squirming in my gut and I fight them down, trying to control them. This is the moment. All my hopes could be dashed or my dreams could come true in this single moment. I feel both excited and frightened by what my friend might say next.

He continues, "Your letter was profound. I think I understand now; more than I did before, I mean. And I'm ready. I don't want to just _try_ anymore. I can commit to you, Remus, if you would just let me. I'm not saying that I'm gay. I've never liked a guy this way before… I didn't even consider it until you told me that secret."

"What are you trying to say, Sirius?" I ask.

"Before, I was confused. James tried to explain it to me, but it just made it worse. But I see it now and I know what to do. I like you… I suppose I was always fond of you more than the other Marauders. I thought it was because of your lycanthropy; I saw you weak and I wanted to be there for you as a friend. Then, you told me that you wanted more and I couldn't give it to you then. Now… I can."

I am silent. I study Sirius as he studies me. His face is blank, but I can tell that he's waiting expectantly for me to reply. I can see that he's worried about what I might say to him; after all, I turned him down before. He sounded honest when he spoke and he didn't use that word; he really was ready for the next step. But was I? I wanted to be with him more than anything else in the world.

I didn't know what to say though; I didn't know how to respond. I didn't want to break his heart as he had shattered mine so I would agree. Finally, the prankster was living up to his promise. We could be together, but I wasn't sure if that would make things easier for me or not…

"All right… If you're certain."

"I am. Remus, I'm so sorry for what I've done to you. I'll make it up… I promise." Sirius says and smiles.

He comes closer to me, the distance no longer friendly between us and slightly uncomfortable; however, this was what I wanted… He puts his arms around my body and draws me to him, hugging me and rubbing my back. The touch still has the same reaction – it feels like lightning is crackling in my blood. I'm blushing, but he doesn't seem to mind this too much; in fact, he's laughing. And then, he kisses me on the forehead.

He repeats, "I promise."

We part and it's like a section of myself is missing when he's not near enough. I don't say anything as he takes my hand and leads me out of the empty classroom. I have no idea where he's taking me and I could really care less. I'm happy that he has finally agreed, though I think things for us will just get harder. Wizards understand same sex relationships better than Muggles, but it's still not looked lightly upon.

If Sirius were a member of the Black family (if he hadn't gotten disowned), then there would be more trouble. As it is, I'm a werewolf and I'm uncertain about how far I should take it… I love him; however, my 'kind' mates for life. We walk through the corridors together and he holds my hand, guiding me like I'm blind. But I don't mind this because I'm too caught up in everything that has happened these last few moments.

Finally, when we get inside the Gryffindor Common Room, he lets me go and grins boyishly. I smile back at him and we kiss – on the lips this time. The one under the Christmas tree felt uncertain and curious. This new kiss is sure and just… Sirius truly understanding what he's getting himself into. It's pleasant and it makes me happy. In a way, I can't believe that it's happening because it seems like a wonderful dream.

But it's real... Very much real.

So many things will change between us now, but I'm ready for them and so is he. For the first time, I feel like nothing else in the world matters. I'm not thinking about the pop quiz tomorrow in Charms or how close my next transformation is. All of my attention is focused on Sirius and on the kiss that we share.


End file.
